So, it’s 2017, and I haven’t blogged in quite some time. I wish I could say it’s because I’ve been too busy, but really it’s been more about my brain exploding over and over again. I’m two months away from holding my Bachelors diploma. People keep asking me if I’m excited, If I’m ready, If I’m… NOPE. I am nineteen, treading water in the adult deep end. Eventually, my legs will give out, and eventually, I will drown in debt, insecurities, responsibilities, and empty bank accounts. My adult life is doomed. There’s my completely honest answer, and if you don’t like it – deal with it, but not with me. What does my utter lack of optimism derive from?

  • I went from knowing exactly what I wanted to do since I was 11 to still knowing exactly what I want to do, but can’t do it because it makes me ZERO dollars (shoutout to all starving artists).
  • I want to make a difference, write about important things, but where do I start? How do I volunteer without any savings?
  • Jobs aren’t interested in a nineteen year-old woman with little work experience besides publications. I’m an extremely self-motivated person, but I can’t put “Self Motivated” as a job from 1997 – Current on my resume, can I?
  • The world is falling apart. I can’t get on Facebook without real-world issues being shoved in my face. As a middle-fencer (means I can’t make-up my freaking mind), everything politics, on both liberal and conservative sides, is brought to my attention and crammed into my mind. Next thing I know, my dreams are running rampant, and I’m waking up from a political coma in frightful tears.
  • I binged the entirety of Bojack Horseman on Netflix, which left me in a haunting depression of the reality of life.

Mainly, it’s the “what to do with the rest of my life” part that’s really freaking me out. I see so many people making a living out of their blogs – digital nomad this, instagram famous that. I work my butt off for those kinds of things, but fate must not want that for me. The end of college is terrifying. It’s the safety net that feels like will be there forever when you first start, but then it’s suddenly being ripped out from underneath you and you’re falling and falling and – SPLAT. You’re looking up from the burning summer asphalt wondering how the hell you live a happy life within a corrupted, controversial, and money-hungry country. My writing won’t pay the bills, at least not right now, so what do I do?

My idea is to start trying things and share them with you. My life from hence forth will be dedicated to finding ways to stay knowledgable and happy. Everything I try, I’ll let you know how it works, and maybe you’ll like it too. For now, I’m going to go chomp on girl scout cookies and continue to apply for the only jobs available to me on Upwork – ghost written erotic fiction.